Conversation With Becca Johnson-Spinos: From Despair To Hope
Sept 16, 2022
Thanks for taking the time to chat today about your experience with The Balanced High Performer, Becca! Could you start by telling us what was going on for you at the time that you decided to start working with me?
At the beginning of 2022, I was really struggling with my work situation. I really felt burnt out and I didn't know how to keep working at the level that I wanted to work at, and to be the kind of professional that I wanted to be. I didn't know how to keep producing my work with the way that I was living my life. Quitting my job wasn't an option, which is maybe what someone else would do when they’re burning out, because I love my job. But I also felt I couldn’t do this anymore, and I just had to find a different way of going forward. This concern was really taking over my entire life. I really felt like my back was against the wall and I didn't have a path forward. I was having many conversations with my husband, where I was saying “I just don’t think I can do this anymore.” I really didn't know what I was going to do.
I remember that initial conversation with you and how much you were struggling. You were in a lot of pain and didn’t know how to proceed, but you did have a lot of clarity from the start that you just couldn’t keep going the way that you were. Do you remember if there was anything you were hesitant about at the beginning?
My only hesitation, which eventually ended up being such a positive thing, was I was worried about the group aspect of the program. Now, I can't imagine what it would have been like to not have the benefit of hearing another person's perspective. But when you go in you're like, “Oh, I'm going to be talking about really personal stuff.” I’ve always been a little nervous or wary of the idea of therapy or any self-help stuff, and I think part of that was about sharing your story with someone else. So at first, I was a little nervous about that aspect of it.
But it was really great to hear other perspectives and be going through such similar things together. It was so great to have the extra support, and to have shared concerns and problems. If anything, the group calls ended up being my favorite part. I enjoyed doing the lesson exercises, and I really rediscovered just how useful journaling and reflection is for me through all of this, but being able to share in a space, hear feedback from other people, and talk to other people about your progress and what’s going on was absolutely the best part.
Also, to have that consistency every week of knowing that you’re going to have that time to work on yourself and what you’re trying to do, and just having it in my schedule was really, really nice for me. It’s something I always looked forward to. I always left feeling better and like I had done something really productive.
What would you say is the biggest transformation that you've gotten and how has this impacted your life or your work?
There's been a lot of things, but I think the biggest thing is the knowledge that I am more than my work. That I am this person who is deserving of love and care, outside of all of the things that I accomplish and do, just because I am a person. I feel like it’s such a basic thing and I obviously know this intellectually, but I think actually bringing that into my life and owning it was a huge revelation for me.
It seems so simple and straightforward, but for me, so much of my life revolved around proving to people that I was worthy through my work and what I did. I’m still working on this, but realizing, truly, “No, you are worthy of being cared for and having peace just by being who you are,” was really major for me. It definitely was a huge transformative piece, and I think it’s helped me with all the little things. It’s helped me with the changes that I’ve been trying to make and the ways that I’ve been trying to focus more on peace and myself. It all stems from that one big revelation. It’s actually still emotional for me to even talk about it because it was such a huge thing for me. I just had never really allowed myself to feel that way about myself.
"So much of my life revolved around proving to people that I was worthy through my work ... realizing, truly, 'No, you are worthy of being cared for and having peace just by being who you are,' was really major for me. ”
Yes, it is simple but it's also so difficult! We don't live in a world that nurtures that truth, right? We're constantly given the opposite message all the time, and we're trained and conditioned to try to prove ourselves all the time. I think a lot of people struggle with this simple truth. It’s easy enough to conceptually say, “Well, yeah, that makes sense. Of course.” But then to feel it and to really integrate it, to align your life to that reality, and have that become a core place that you move from can be really different and difficult.
I'm a skeptic about certain types of things and I certainly went into this being skeptical of the whole craze of self-care and rest, and doing things for yourself. I’m this person who is like “drive-drive-drive”. I think if you are someone who just focuses so much on work, your reaction to seeing these trendy memes is, “Well, I simply don’t have time for any of this stuff.” Your reaction is immediately going to be to pull back. You’re not going to be like, “Oh, I need that.” You’re going to be like, “Nah, I don’t need to do that” – nose-to-the-grindstone.
The biggest surprise for me is the way in which these things make sense to me now and being able to talk about these things that I think I would have thought negatively about before, or associated with laziness or with people just not wanting to do their job.
I was surprised to find that the things that I was sort of snooty about were very helpful to me. There’s no context for things like memes and such that are trending, so for me, just having a better understanding of the mental health component and understanding where it all comes from has given me a deep appreciation for them and what they can do for me. I found that it all really made sense when you have the knowledge behind it of why it is important. I would have turned my nose up at it before, but now I want to explore more into mindfulness, restful practices, and things like that.
Before, it felt very disingenuous to my personality, and I was so afraid of losing myself in this whole thing because my whole personality was so wrapped up in my work. But I feel very strongly now that I will be MORE myself if I continue down this path. I still have a lot of work to do, but I feel like ultimately the parts that I’m attempting to get rid of, like the stressed, anxious parts of me, have nothing to do with what makes me me.
“We’re not talking about totally restructuring your life. This is about making your job that you already have work better for you in your life that you have by making little, incremental changes and introducing small things.”
I'm so glad that you now recognize the importance of your body and your nervous system getting rest, and that this is where the idea of self-care stems from.
For me, it’s also that I didn't really understand going in that ultimately it wasn't going to be some major life shift. We're talking about small, incremental things that are going to make everything work better. We’re not talking about totally restructuring your life. This is about making your job that you already have work better for you in your life that you have by making little, incremental changes and introducing small things. That’s actually been the most powerful thing.
If it had been about doing something huge, it never would have happened for me, because the overwhelm of trying to do anything other than everything you’re literally having to do every day is a lot. The whole idea of just trying to take it step-by-step has been really good. I’m not trying to completely overhaul my life. I’m not trying to be like a completely different person, or something like that.
Who would you recommend this program to and what might you say to someone who's on the fence about doing this program?
I mean gosh, I feel like really everyone should do it! I just feel like everybody could gain something from this, especially if you're someone who works independently at a job. I feel like someone who has a lot of responsibility and has a lot on them as an independent worker, because that’s what got to me the most – working by myself.
If someone's on the fence, I would say that they should do it because it's definitely worth their time, it's worth their energy, it's worth their investment. It has really completely changed the way I feel about myself. I feel like a changed person. I was feeling such despair and now I feel hopeful. Even just the hope is so meaningful.
In my particular case, you guys were also with me through a very difficult time in my life, so it was really a life-saving thing for me and really so important to me in this dark, very difficult time in my life. So, I would definitely say, absolutely worth every bit of it and really, everyone should do it.